


A Traveling Song For The Weak Hearted

by SomethinglikeGoodnight



Category: Anxiety - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, Love, M/M, Separation Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Trains, Traveling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 17:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13506456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethinglikeGoodnight/pseuds/SomethinglikeGoodnight
Summary: This place smells like an airborne on ground hospital





	A Traveling Song For The Weak Hearted

**Author's Note:**

> This place smells like an airborne on ground hospital

It’s as if I’m traveling back in time, the way the train is driving backwards, forever on an endless loop into a time only few can remember.  
There’s a distinct smell of airline and flight hovering throughout the car I’m seated in, like I’m on a plane.  
But that’s not the case thankfully.  
My seat is blue and leather, cushioning my body nicely as I sink into the feeling and try and disappear.  
I’m alone. 

  
Theres twenty dollars and my ticket in the pocket of my jeans because that’s all I need, for now.  
Im going on a trip.

Not necessarily a very adventurous one but alone it feels like Im going to Japan or somewhere much more exciting and far away then just an hour away. I’m taking a train because I don’t have a car and I don’t have a car because I’m not old enough.

  
So I don’t know why I’m old enough to do all this on my own.

  
We stop at another station, and increasingly more and more people file onto the train and I’m surrounded by people and bags and luggage and feet. Feet everywhere walking and stomping and tracking in mud mixed with rain.  
It’s raining outside. 

  
The wheels lurch backwards again and we are speeding in reverse once more. The sky is cloudy and obscuring my view of what would be a pretty sunrise. It’s still early morning you see, and it seems as though the sunrise is what I’m missing most. I feel betrayed that I have to travel alone without the surprise of the sun, the company of the glow and heat like I get every morning when I drive.  
But I don’t get it today.

  
rain hits the windows aggressively, the pace of the train dragging it across the glass and making it look like it has fresh cuts and slices through it.

  
I glance to my right, a man sits by himself, older than me but not extremely. He has light brown hair and a small mustache and glasses. He’s well groomed and tapping at something on his phone quickly, with purpose.  
And I sit here alone.

  
The conductor has already asked to see my ticket, and I cringe at the memory of me scrambling to get it out of my pocket and unfold it quickly. She had smiled, her eyes crinkling and the false eyelashes atop her eyelid fluttering.  
I stare down at my black and white vans, my red checkered flannel tied around my waist. 

  
This isn’t that bad.  
I mean, it’s not that bad yet.  
Because I still have to get off the train, and walk into the station, and pray to god Josh is there and waiting for me.  
I am praying he’s there waiting for me.  
My train came at 8:40, and I was informed it would be about a thirty minute ride but now it’s 8:57 and I can’t bear to wait another minute I want to leave.

  
My nails are painted blue, a dark blue that puts people off when they see it.  
I dont care.  
I’m going to see Josh.  
I’m going to see Josh.  
There’s a feeling deep in my gut that I shouldn’t be here, that I should’ve stayed at home where the sun would’ve probably come up and I wouldn’t have to get up and present myself to the world.  
The rain had made my hair curly. I like it, I look like a different person. The darkness of the sky has shielded my eyes and when I look at my reflection in my phones camera my eyes are dark, dead, and tired.

  
I wonder if he misses me.  
I wonder if he thinks of me as he sits in the station, anxiously watching the trains pull in and out and hopping I step out, white faced and terrified. If he would get up and hug me, pull me in close and kiss my forehead and tell me he’s proud that I did so well.

  
I wonder if he couldn’t wait to get out of bed this morning, jumping out and taking the fastest shower he’s ever had, getting dressed and jumping in the car with his cup of coffee just oh so excited to see me.

  
Because he misses me.  
Or at least I hope he does.  
My ear pops and I’m dragged from this thought as my music gets louder and the yellow tinted lights above flicker and crackle with dying life and I really really wish he was here with me.

Theres a national suicide prevention lifeline posted outside the next station we stop at, it makes my stomach churn.  
People take trains everywhere.  
Maybe even to heaven.  
Maybe.  
I can’t remember where I’m getting off all the sudden, was it 30th street or 36th or whatever I can’t remember and I can’t ask the conductor because my tongue doesn’t work and now there’s a little blonde girl sitting next to me  
her eyes are blue and her hair is as wavy and tangled as mine is now. She seems excited to be going where we are because we are all going the same way, right?  
We are all going to 30th street?  
She has a container of cookies in her lap, legs still and not bouncing as mine are while she looks at her mom across the aisle and I don’t know why her mom made her sit here.  
I don’t know.

  
And conversation is futile because I have earbuds stuck into my head blasting music to attempt to keep me calm and it’s not like I’d have the courage to speak anyways.  
My eyelids flutter with remaining sleepiness as the train continues on, the setting getting more and more urban the more time goes on. Grass becomes less, buildings become taller and people increase in numbers, the amount of umbrellas uncountable. I still don’t know if I’m on the right train and the thought of being taken somewhere farther away where no one is waiting for me patiently scares the shit out of me, it really does.  
We enter a tunnel and when light finally comes back to my eyes we are in the basement of the station, people running about alongside the windows rushing to get to their boarding busses.

  
The reality sets into the situation when I exit the train with my phone in hand. I can feel my heavy feet climbing up the stairs with a pale face and a jumping stomach. My whole body is excited and terrified, happy and sick to my stomach and al the contrasting feelings that make you wish you just stayed at home.  
I could jump on a train to Boston. Right now, just walk across the platform and buy a ticket.

  
He would never see me.  
The thought disappears just as it had arrived and I’m at the top of the staircase, golden walls flooding the room with a warm glow and I look around frantically. My train is early, he might not be here. I’ll be standing here all alone with people everywhere and what if something happens to me? What if someone hurts me? What if someone-  
“Tyler!”


End file.
